The Love of a Mother

This is another excerpt from a letter that I thought I could put out there. So if it seems like another random stream of consciousness, well, that would be because it is!!

[I am filled with awe at the prospect of becoming a spouse of the King of kings. And then, by virtue of that grace and honor, I will also become a mother to all God’s children. That thought, too, is a bit overwhelming. It obviously isn’t the same thing as being a biological mother (although that is an awesome and wonderful vocation from God). Spiritual motherhood is a profound sharing in the Motherhood of Our Lady. The love of a consecrated religious must be like hers...pure, entire, selfless, detached. We must give each soul we meet all of ourselves through the Heart of Our Lord. We must spend ourselves, sacrifice ourselves (like Our Spouse, to the very last drop of our blood – either in red martyrdom or in white martyrdom). But we are to never seek love in return. A natural mother desires (and rightfully should) that her children love her in return. But such is not the maternal love of a spiritual mother. At times we are loved in return, and this is a blessing, but it is neither expected nor sought. Ultimately we must wish to be forgotten so that all hearts are focused on the Sacred Heart alone. We must guide souls to love Him, but we must not distract their hearts. Also our love must be completely detached. A natural mother has a deep love of attachment for her own biological children. This is only natural and good (and even necessary to a degree) when it is properly ordered and following the Love and Will of God. Spiritual mothers must love each child of God, each soul, with the same intensity that natural mothers love their biological children, however, a spiritual mother must not have attachment to their children. The love must be pure, only for the eternal salvation of the soul, but not distant, impersonal, or cold. We must see souls as God sees them in His mercy and love. We do not judge them, but sincerely love them to the very last hair on their head. Ultimately, we see in each person’s face, the face of Our Lord. We see each soul covered with the Blood of Christ, knowing that Jesus would have come to earth, lived a life of humility, suffered and died the horrible death of the cross for that particular soul even if it were the only soul in the world. And if Our Spouse would do so much for that one soul, what are we not willing to do to bring that soul to His Heart as He so greatly desires. This is the love we are called to as spiritual mothers. Impossible with human strength alone...only by the grace of God can we hope to raise our hearts to this spiritual plane. But what joy there is in a heart that has really learned to love. Unless we (all mankind, not just consecrated) fully give ourselves we will never be fully and truly human. Like Christ, the Perfect Man, we must give all of ourselves and then we will "realize" ourselves in the true sense of the word. We must love as He loved... “Love one another as I have loved you.”]

Stream of Consciousness

This is a little piece of a thought I had which was written for specific people to address a specific issue at hand, but I thought it was a postable stream of consciousness and since I haven't posted in..........never mind how long..... I thought I would put it out there to maybe do some good.
[I am eternally grateful that God has sought me in His Love (as He seeks all of us) and has allowed me to find Him and ultimately give my life to Him as His spouse. True, it is not easy to give up one's life and all that one loves, but if we really think about it, everything belongs to Him anyway - everything we have, including our lives, are gifts from Him.
It saddens me to think of many young people today who are wandering; seeking happiness, seeking a reason for their lives or seeking the truth by which to guide their lives. Without Jesus Christ life has no meaning. If there is no heaven or hell, that is, no eternity with God or without God, then all there is is this life and then afterwards... a nothingness or annihilation or whatever, so you might as well make the most of it while you can. Carpe Diem!! How sad and pointless!
People turn to material things, money, games, clothes - nothing satisfies - when they get one thing they just want more, newer, better, bigger, because man was made for the infinite. Within our hearts we have an infinite longing which can only be satisfied by God. Often too the one seeking happiness turns to pleasure, sex, drugs - but again it is all empty, the ecstacy is fleeting and incomplete - the "love" is selfish and therefore false - essentially it is all a lie. And if he seeks truth, he is confused by a society that declares that there is no truth or rather there is "your truth" and "my truth." But multiple "truths" never work. That is how we arrive at situations where truths conflict. For example: What happens when my truth determines that you are a burden and that your life no longer has value (whether you are an unborn child, a mentally or physically handicapped person, an elderly person, a Jew, or any other person that just happens to be inconvenient at the time)? Precisely, you die!! ...either in an abortion clinic, nursing home, concentration camp or in your own bed at home. So does this "truth" satisfy the yearning heart, No!!
Selfishness, pride, greed, hate...unfortunately, these evils are characteristic of man because of our fallen human nature. It is man who is responsible for the moral evil in the world. God wants man to chose the good (Him) and to love Him and so love our brothers too, but love is only true when it is free. So God gave us free will and allowed the consequences. Man rejected God and chose evil, but because God loves us, He always brings greater good out of the evil man does. If God forced us to love Him and to always do good it wouldn't be true love. [ i.e. Someone is at gun point and is told to love you or die, so they say "I love you" ...somehow I am not convinced. I would only be convinced that they really loved me if they were free to say "I don't love you" but instead freely chose to say "I love you" and to prove it by sacrificing themselves. For example: If you aren't feeling well and your husband won't do anything to help - he sits and watches his favorite TV show while you struggle to make his dinner - you know that at least at that moment he is not showing love for you.] So if you could immagine the strongest, purest, and most perfect way of showing true love, what would it be? I think probably if a person freely chose to suffer and die to save you from some evil. Whenever we read about someone who has undergone torture and/or death to save his family, friend, or someone he loves we instinctively know that we are witnessing an act of true and selfless love. Well, that is exactly what God did for us!! When man rejected him, He respected man's free will, but He also said, "Wait, let me show you really how much I love you, and then I'll let you choose again"...and so He sent His Son to suffer, die and rise (conquering sin, death, and the devil) so that we might not die eternally. Can you think of any more powerful way of proving your love than by giving yourself to the last drop of your blood? Then God said, "Now that you can see how much I love you, choose again." And we do choose with our lives...and we are still free to say, No! However, if we say "yes" to love, if we accept Jesus Christ, "the Way, the Truth, and the Life" then our life has a purpose and we have a future beyond this present world. Jesus is the One Who makes life worth living and worth living joyfully, even in suffering and trials (because those too take on meaning and become redemptive when united with Christ's sufferings.)
This very real awareness in my life of the Presence of God and His love for me has drawn me to respond to His call to give my life to Him and to be united more closely to Jesus Christ as a spouse. Then in truly and freely loving Him, hopefully my love will bear fruit in the souls of others when they too come to love Him. I hope I can at least assure you that I am supremely happy with a deep joy that does not pass but is rooted in my heart and in God.]

Christendom Reunion and After

Well, the past week and a half have been a bit crazy. Just as I was beginning to put together a nice schedule, the Christendom crowd came and swamped us. No, it wasn't bad, we had an awesome time! When they arrived some of them didn't know I was supposed to be here so they were shocked to see me and others didn't know really why I was here, so they asked cautious questions like "What are you actually doing here anyway?" or "Are you some kind of novice here or something?" It was great!! I straightened them out a bit, but many of them still gave me this look like, ..."yeah, I know you are actually going to stay here and become a nun, but you don't have to tell me yet." Well, in part they are right...religious life = YES; Florence = there is a chance!
Anyway, coming back from that diversion...the girls stayed here at the convent in a dormitory across from the boarders' dormitory and the boys stayed in a hotel down the street. However, from the reports I heard, the boys would have rather stayed here too. They ended up coming for breakfast on the last two days because they weren't being fed at the other place. Also, Italians are not big on personal bubbles so they put two of our guys in one room with one double bed...not exactly what our guys were hopeing for. I don't think Christendom will go back to that hotel next semester. But anyway I think they all enjoyed Florence and I loved having them here. I was able to jump on and off their tours every so often during the mornings and I popped in for a bit of their evening classes. It was fun to see Madre in classroom mode and to be a mischievious college student again. One of the nights I was even able to go out to dinner with a few of the Christendomites (Dan, Lola, and Trena). It was great to catch up with them and to see old friends from the States. I am so blessed to have such awesome friends! I was sorry to have to say good-bye at the end of the week. Since then I have been getting back into a schedule and repairing the damage they did...no, not really damage, just washing towels, sheets etc. and cleaning the dormitory. For those of you who really know me and some of my weaknesses, you would get a kick out of some of the things I do here at the convent, such as taking split second cold showers and ironing all the girls things including jeans and, oh yeah, remember those sheets I mentioned, yeah those have to be ironed too. : ( Anyway I am doing well despite cold showers and ironing sheets.

I am glad to have the time here and I feel confident that it is where God wants me for now so that brings me joy. I know the time I am spending here is preparing me for what He has planned for me in the future. I am learning a lot (not necessarily Italian, though I am trying to learn that too) about how to deal with people and situations and a lot about myself. I know this knowledge will serve me well now and in time. In the meantime, I am enjoying the present, though I miss you all and wish you could spend it with me! God Bless! Courage!!!

My Holy Adventure!

Today (Sunday), I went to Gricigliano for the Traditional Latin High Mass. It was great to be back, although I wasn't able to go with the Sister Adorers this week so I had to go by train. That's not so bad except when it is pouring rain...so naturally what intelligent thing did I do - I walked two hours in the rain!!!! I walked the forty min. walk from the convent to the train station in Florence, took the train to Sieci, got off and walked the hour and twenty min. walk through the town, down the road, and up the mountain to Gricigliano. But at least I had thought ahead a bit and I wore my white wrinkled shirt with a sweatshirt (it was cold in the rain) and my raincoat, long running pants, and running shoes. Then in my backpack I carried my long blue skirt and my church shoes. But by the time I got to the seminary I was completely drenched to the bone!!!!! (Note: I had put my dry stuff in a plastic bag in my satchel so it was still dry). So I get there and I stop a seminarian going into the place and ask him if I can use their bathroom - but of course he doesn't speak English or Italian - only French, so he doesn't understand me - finally I just ask for Abbé Stein and he understood that and got him for me. So Abbé Stein was happy to see me, even though I looked like a drowned rat. He took me to a bathroom and I did a Superman change into dry church clothes and looked semi decent, though my hair was still dripping wet...and naturally the church had to be air conditioned. So I was freezing cold for about three hours (Terce, that is one of the hours of the Divine Office, and Solemn Mass). But the way back was better. I came out of church and was going to say hello to Mother Superior, but I forgot that they usually leave right away to get back for lunch at their convent. So when I came out of the church Abbé Stein was waiting for me and rushed me up the hill to the parking lot where I saw the first of the sisters' cars go by. Fortunately for me, Abbé Stein was able to catch the second car and I was able to get a ride back to Florence with them. Then I walked from their convent back to the other convent where I am staying, but it had stopped raining and the sun had come out for a bit so it was all good. Then I got into nice warm and dry clothes at the convent!! Happy Me!!
But, the adventure aside, I was very happy to be able to go back to Gricigliano and to see the Mother Superior again. It is like a little piece of heaven right outside of Florence, so it was worth the wet and the cold!

I'm Back!!

Yes, I'm back and hopefully for awhile. Well, that is, I am back to blogging, but not back home. I have just embarked on an adventure! I am in Italy working at a school as a dorm mother for boarding students. Most of them arrived today and it was a wonderful chaos...girls excited to see old friends, girls crying because it is their first time going to a boarding school and leaving their parents, girls asking the Sisters who are in charge if they can smoke (girls in 9th grade no less), girls running crazily into eachothers' rooms, girls closing their doors because they want to be alone because they are shy... and me standing there the whole time looking stupid because I can't understand most of what they are saying. Well, I will be a lesson in patience for all of them, and they will be a lesson in perseverance for me. So unbeknowanced to them we will probably get eachother to heaven!! Meanwhile I am madly studying Italian and Madre Gina (the Sister who runs the kitchen) continues to laugh at my attempts to say something to her. Someday, Someday.... I can tell that some of the girls are going to take full advantage of the fact that I don't know what they are saying - they are the mischievious ones - however since I too am mischievious I will probably know what they are up to without having to understand Italian! Then there are the girls who won't be able to talk to me when they need someone to comfort them - I need to learn Italian for their sakes first. Lots to do and very little time, but the first week is going well and I am enjoying it! Two girls from Mexico will come on Monday. Both speak Spanish and some English and one of them speaks Italian, so I am not the only one learning!! Anyway life is good though I miss everyone States side!! Love you all!!

I Posted!!

Ok, ok, here is monthly post... I am busy like crazy so look for better posts to come!!

Miracles Happen!!

Ok, ok, I'm writing! I've got to ease into this thing of actually blogging. What's been happening? Well, on February 9th I had my first day of substitute teaching and I taught gym class to kindergarteners, first graders, second graders, third graders, fourth graders, fifth graders, sixth graders, seventh graders, and eighth graders... yes, I was tired at the end of the day. Then I went to CPAC (for all those non Poli Sci people that would be the Conservative Political Action Conference held every year in DC) and I got to hear Ann Coulter speak again - she is just awesome and hilarious. I'd love to bring her to speak at this school but I think she'd be a little too much for some of our Classics/Phil/Hist majors (joke). Then I promptly got sick and had a miserable weekend and beginning of the week and missed classes and student teaching etc. Then I got better and was back in the swing of things. Then I went to Christy's place for an invitation addressing/stuffing/stamping party!!! Then I stayed home to spend some time with my grandmother. Then I came back to school for an awesome St. Genesius' Night put on by an incredibly organized and diligent Beth, and hosted by an incredibly talented Jacinta (who was also sadly very sick), Shaquesia, and Mike. You know I have never seen Shaquesia in person and I had no idea about her...well never mind I better not say! Anyway, Sunday another of my dear friends, Michele, fell ill to the plague. Monday I went in to student teach and found out I was the only teacher that day. So about 8 lessons of Math and one History lesson was pretty exciting for those poor unsuspecting 5th and 6th graders!! So I guess I am talking about today! And for all those who really care and/or know the significance of this: Today is the anniversary of my getting sick...yup, four years ago today my life changed dramatically...it is still being debated in committee as to whether that change has been for the better!! ; )

Well, until next time...

Hello!!

Well, maybe none of you thought that I would ever have my own blog because I never seem to get online to read yours, but I will try to be better at communication and letting you all know what is going on in my life and what I am studying or thinking!! We will see how long I can keep this up. Well, here goes...wish me luck!